All right here mama goes again this time I’ve got Underwriters Laboratories in my crosshairs. No mama is not Sarah Palin and to all you crazies out there, “I’m not asking you to go shoot anyone at Underwriters Laboratories”.
I must digress. A dear friend of Mama’s likes to hang a plastic foot out of her trunk around Halloween and has done so for many, many years. Well last year some crazy lady frantically started following Mama’s dear friend calling 911 and dispatching a police officer to come arrest a crazy woman who killed someone and was dragging him around in her trunk!
Now mama likes CSI as much as the next person and I can sure as heck tell you the bones in the leg could not allow you to close your trunk and still have the foot hanging out. That is why 492,165 people just laughed when they saw the foot hanging out but one crazy lady calls 911.
It is for that small but unfortunately growing part of our population that Mama must be perfectly clear, crosshairs does not mean with a gun.. “Hello crazies not with a weapon!” I mean by crosshairs to focus on the work produced by Underwriters Laboratories.
It is an unfortunate World in which we live, where mama cannot use all the colors in her paint kit to describe a human thought. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Mama now has Underwriters Laboratories in her cross.. uh sites.. uh current focus.
Well let me start again. Mama’s bathroom doesn’t always smell like a rose but I noticed a different smell when I stepped in and turned on the light last night. It was the smell of fear, one that shakes you down to the roots of your soul. A smell permeated mama’s nostrills that almost had me dialing 911. The smell of.. Fire!
Well actually it was the smell of smoke but you know what they say, “Where there’s smoke there’s fire”. Now mama don’t have no fancy degrees from Harvard or Yale or any school of higher learning but mama does have something that I sometimes wonder if those folks at Underwriters Laboratories are plumb out of.. common sense!
In our modern day homes filled with amazing electronic devices, computers, tablets, smartphones, video cameras, game machines, and TVs that looks so real you could fall right in, what small device has Underwriters Laboratories allowed into our domiciles with their seal of approval?
I’ll give you a hint: it’s curly and small, made of glass, contains some poison inside, and conveniently made so all we have to do, is screw it in.
Okay times up Harvard grads (or Berkeley, I forget..) . What is it Underwriters Laboratories has spent exhaustive amounts of time and money testing to make absolutely sure it will be safe in all of our homes?
Did you ever wonder what we pay Congress for? It’s so they can gather together in a big room and make really stupid laws to keep our life interesting.
Now I’m sure a couple of well respected Congress folk stood up and gave grand aurations that brought tears to the eyes of their fellow constituents about how “that evil tungsten filament was our path to doom! We all know what an ass Thomas Edison was and how Nichola Tesla’s cool light was so much better. So as I stand before you I beseach you, we must eradicate those tiny tungsten filaments tearing up our terrestrial trees..”
Huh? Okay Mama’s imagination about what it might be like in Congress got a little outta hand but you get the idea. It must have been like that, ’cause how else could a majority of 100 Senators and 457 Congress men and women have allowed this law be passed? A law mandating (that’s a polite word forcing down your throat) we no longer sell the power-guzzling common light bulb with tungsten filaments and must (a polite word for our balls are bigger than yours) only heretofore sell to the American public wait for it..
A futuristically designed swirling piece of glass containing a deadly poison that supposedly will use less power and last much longer than our good old tungsten filament light bulbs!
In Mama’s experience the new curly bulbs have burned out even faster than my old tungsten filaments. Not only that, but when they burn out they don’t just stop drawing electricity like the old ones did, lordy no, the new curly bulbs just continue to smolder. (Mama burned her fingers learning that lesson.)
You see one of my new curly bulbs burned out in about three months of use and had been out for about two days so Mama assumed (I know when you assume.. You make an ass of u and me) that the damn thing would be ice cold. Wrong! That curly bulb was so hot on its ceramic base mama got a burn-blister!
Now I thought I said I did not graduate from Harvard, but my common sense tells me if this curly bulb can get that hot it must be using some serious electricity. I could be wrong but I don’t think so.
Now getting back to mama’s bathroom and that smell of fear.. That damn curly bulb not only stayed hot but it actually smoked when it burned out! Now there are not too many kinds of smoke that are healthy for you to breathe and I can pretty much bet the idiot designers of these curly bulbs did not include safe smoke in them.
So let’s look at what we got.. To save some electricity we did away with a relatively safe light bulb that goes cold when burned out, that usually lasted me about a year or two and replaced it with a curly bulb that has trouble supplying that same amount of light, that averages three to six months of life, that continues to suck electricity even after it’s burned out, that might cause a fire hazard or emit toxic fumes?
No! That can’t be true! Underwriters Laboratories tested this bulb and gave it there seal of approval! That intense heat it gives off causing the ceramic base to slowly disenigrate can’t possibly be enough heat to ever cause a fire even though it gets plenty hot enough to send out plumes of smoke. Those folks at Underwriters Laboratories must know what they’re doing.
Now let’s suppose mama is just “blowing smoke” and the heat issue is not a problem, nor the extra use electricity way after the curly bulb burns out. What about the poison?
Now for many years Mama has heard about our fear of getting too much Mercury by eating seafood. No, we are not talking about big globs of silver Mercury in our fish but Mercury measured in ppm or parts per million! Then again I didn’t go to Harvard, but I do believe if Mercury can be dangerous in tiny little parts per millions, I would like to know how much Mercury is in one of these new curly light bulbs? I highly suspect to allow the new curly light bulb to work properly, there must be many ppm’s held back by a fragile piece of curly glass.
Now I’m sure the people at Underwriters Laboratories think that some microscopic tiny little print warning us all to “dispose of according to local state or federal laws” will have us all scurrying to our nearest safe recycling plant but my common sense does not agree. Here’s what I know from U of CHS (the University of Common Horse Sense).
Almost no one reads small print on labels! And if they did, would go to their city, their state, or Google the federal laws, on how to dispose all these new curly light bulbs?
I can see it all now, “I need to stop by the grocery store, get some gas for the car, drop the kids off at the library, and take my old burned out curly bulbs down to the recycling center for safe disposal, oh and also my plastics, cardboards, newspapers, and glass.
Yes and the bright yellow Sun shines on the Ice blue streams meandering through rich green luscious hills as the tiny children laugh and play in Underwriters Laboratories of America.
Mercury is a poison. We have spent many years trying to get it out of our living environment. But suddenly like giving weapons to Saddam Hussein (as it is truly documented that we did before we knew better) it now seems like the right thing to do to mandate Mercury back into every home in the USA!
My degree from good old U of CHS (University of Common Horse Sense) tells me this is wrong. Now back to the Underwriters Laboratories belief that we will all heed those tiny printed labels on the ceramic base of the new curly bulbs, remember you couldn’t even get us to “close cover before striking” a match. And what hellish confusion have those innocuous tags found on every pillow for 40 years caused in mainstream America?
Let’s face it we are not a country of “rocket scientists”. How many of you have dared to brazenly clip the “Do not remove under penalty of law” tag from your pillow? Did you honestly believe the pillow police would come and arrest you? Of course not but this goes to show how “stupid labels” do not achieve their desired result!
Most of those burned out curly bulbs will just get tossed into undesignated garbage cans where they could immediately be broken thus releasing Mercury into your home, or broken at the municipal dump causing the Mercury to leech into our ground soil. Neither of these sounds very good to mama.
Do we now need the Mercury police? “Open up or we’ll knock the door down, it’s the Mercury police. We know you have some burned out curly bulbs in your home! Send them out for recycling or we’ll come in and get them! You have 10 seconds to comply! No one has to get sick or die of Mercury poisoning if you just read those tiny labels on the ceramic base of your curly bulbs.”
Also I am curious, if the city law says one thing and the state law says another, and the federal law says something entirely different, who the hell do you follow? You see how ridiculous the warning on the new Mercury-laden curly bulbs is? Even a tree hugger could get confused!
Long story made even longer, mama believes our legislative branches do not and should not have any powers not expressively given to them in our Constitution. If they need extra powers in the Senate or House of Representatives get it the honest way. Amend the Constitution. This would solve so many of our country’s problems. But how do you get Congress to take its own medicine? Mama says vote for the ones that are true to the Constitution. And Underwriters Laboratories, I think your Harvard, Berkeley, Yale graduates have royally screwed up by putting your seal of approval on those inferior, dangerous, expensive, monstrosities we all lovingly call “curly light bulbs”.
Mama has spoken..
Time has passed since mama penned this rant.. And cooler heads have prevailed. NOT!
LOL (mama is not laughing “at you”.. She is laughing “with you”)
But I have now “seen the light” and it is good. It may have taken the lord six days but our electrical engineers and research scientists have in just a few years come up with a “better way” to light up our lives. Yes, children the way of the future is spelled “L-E-D”.
Those tiny light emitting diodes (mama looked up what LED stands for) do have some poison within them (Arsenic I believe it is) but it is such a tiny amount and given the choice mama thinks it’s better than Mercury when it all shakes out.
mama says, “Do your own research.” cause in the end she may be as dumb as an “Underwriters Laboratories tester”! (which is just this side of a “post”.)
Now mama has spoken